3 min read
The story so far:
I the beginning the Universe was created.
This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.
This planet has - or rather had - a problem, which was this: most of the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the movement of small green pieces of paper, which was odd because on the whole it wasn’t the small green pieces of paper that were unhappy.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer
Nothing travels faster than the speed of light, with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
Creativity is knowing how to hide your sources
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
If cats looked like frogs we’d realize what nasty, cruel little bastards they are. Style. That’s what people remember.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what’s for lunch.
I think I’ve discovered the secret of life – you just hang around until you get used to it.
Those are my principles, and if you don’t like them…well I have others.
If A is a success in life, then A equals x plus y plus z. Work is x; y is play; and z is keeping your mouth shut
If you ever know a man who tries to drown his sorrows, kindly inform him his sorrows know how to swim.
Nobody panics when things go “according to plan”. Even if the plan is horrifying!
If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
Times are bad. Children no longer obey their parents, and everyone is writing a book.
Tell people there’s an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.
…inside every old person is a young person wondering what happened.
The two most common elements in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity.
Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
A pessimist is a man who thinks everybody is as nasty as himself, and hates them for it.
Until a man is twenty-five, he still thinks, every so often, that under the right circumstances he could be the baddest motherfucker in the world. If I moved to a martial-arts monastery in China and studied real hard for ten years. If my family was wiped out by Colombian drug dealers and I swore myself to revenge. If I got a fatal disease, had one year to live, and devoted it to wiping out street crime. If I just dropped out and devoted my life to being bad.
Don’t go looking for boys in the dark
They will say pretty things then
leave you with scars.
Do go looking for boys in the park
For that is where the true gentlemen are.
With great power… comes great need to take a nap. Wake me up later.
This life’s hard, but it’s harder if you’re stupid.
To achieve great things, two things are needed: a plan and not quite enough time.
Any fool can make a rule
And any fool will mind it.
For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much—the wheel, New York, wars and so on—whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man—for precisely the same reasons.
It is better to remain silent at the risk of being thought a fool, than to talk and remove all doubt of it.
You know, one of the tragedies of real life is that there is no background music.
I just did some calculations and I’ve been able to determine that you’re full of shit.
The problem with doing nothing is not knowing when you are finished.
Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.
Believe nothing until it has been officially denied.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
August 3, 2019